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Catharsis

There are reasons why I like to run during thunderstorms: I love to feel the raw power of the downpour and the calm after the storm. It's a cleansing that you don't get to feel very often, a genuinely cathartic experience.

Lately I'm realizing that I analyze and rationalize things too much. It gets so bad to the point where if I can't make sense of things, then my brain will continue to subconsciously process it over and over. That's probably the main reason why I've been so tired lately, all those loose ends are sucking up all my brain energy.

After much thought about this (ha), it became more apparent to me that this stems from my need for control. Just like everyone else, I want to be able to figure out what's happening and why they are happening. But I can't do this anymore ... some things will never really make sense to my feeble brain, and there are not always simple answers for everything.

It's really not my place to make sense and solve everything in my life. After I let go and left my burdens at the feet of the cross, catharsis finally came.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I think you're the first person I've ever met who actually likes running/walking around in the rain like I do! The most common responses I get when I reveal my hidden desire for strolling around outside in the midst of a downpour are looks of disdain as if to say "You are WEIRD!" or comments like, "You'd get sick!" or "That is so ridiculous!" But wow... I must say, I'm impressed! (Maybe you should put that down as one of the "requirements" or whatever field it is on google romance! :P I don't know why I like it though. I can't really agree that it's the cathartic experience (unless that's the subconscious reason), but I like enjoying the rain, the nature, the beauty. I like the excitement of being in the middle of something so big. I like how it puts my life into perspective - how I'm so tiny in this world and yet can be so penetrated by a natural "force" (so to speak) in the world. I think it's refreshing!

As for overthinking, when I was at Harvard, the buzz word was "metacognition," thinking about thinking. In that 1 year period, we started making up our own "meta" language, like "metafeeling," feelings about our feelings, etc. Admittedly, I knew that my likelihood to metacognate (haha, I'm definitely making that up, but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say) was because I wanted reasons and answers for everything. I want everything to make sense. I want God to be pleased that I am using my brain for understanding things that He's blessed me with. (but talk about rationalizing!) Sigh. I never did associate that burning desire to understand every little thing as being a control-freak, but after what you wrote, I can totally see that. Yes, I need to surrender and be at PEACE (not just "ok") that there are some things I don't understand. Right now, I am going through the Experiencing God bible study (have you ever read the book or do the bible study?) and let me tell ya - I'm learning SOOO much about how the will of God is just that: the will of God. It's not what is God's will FOR ME, which is what I always get stuck thinking, especially when I pray. It's like, "Lord, I want to make a decision that most pleases you, so please show ME your will FOR ME." Talk about self-centeredness! But I'm learning that whatever God initiates, He will complete whether He uses me or not. So it really is just that God's will is ... God's will. Period. I'm praying that my self-centeredness becomes God-centeredness. Sigh. Talk about catharsis!

Anyway, we both need to let go and let God work.

Amen brotha!
9:41 AM
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