My friend Birdie from East Asia wrote me last week saying, “我觉得你应该在你的blog里用中文写点什么。别忘了，你是中国人，你有中国血的!”Which in and of itself is pretty ironic, since she’s also the one that always tells me “你从来都不是中国人!” But to appease her just a little, I will talk about the Chinese social concept of 關係 (关系 – guan xi).
The word 關係 can be roughly translated to English as “relationships.” In a very simple sense, 關係 is the social network you have with other people. In general, a person uses their 關係 with others as leverage to get help from them or solicit favors from them. It is so ingrained in the Chinese mind that success in every echelon of society is dependent on it. In its simplest form, it is social quid pro quo, a type of “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” mentality driven by the laws of reciprocity.
For example, it is partly because of 關係 that my parents offer my computer expertise to their friends when asked. Again it is because of 關係 that I can’t refuse to go to a dinner when their friends offer as gratitude for my services. In the end, I am forced to fix computers that I don’t want to fix in order to eat dinners that I don’t want to eat … it’s a very sick cycle.
The whole situation bothers me on several levels. I don’t mind at all helping friends with their computers, but in this case I am merely functioning as a useful tool. And on a deeper level, I don’t like the concept of reciprocity. In the ideal world, people should not keep tabs on their friend on the favors done and given. It defeats the very principle of love, which keeps no records of wrongs and does not prompt one to act under obligation.
It’s too bad that we don’t live in the ideal world. Even though I must agree that most of the time we are driven solely by self-interest, I do believe that it is possible to act altruistically without expecting a form of repayment. So from now on, if I help you with something (even if it’s fixing your computer), don’t feel that you’re obligated to pay me back in some way. If anything, do it out of genuine gratitude, not obligation.
The word 關係 can be roughly translated to English as “relationships.” In a very simple sense, 關係 is the social network you have with other people. In general, a person uses their 關係 with others as leverage to get help from them or solicit favors from them. It is so ingrained in the Chinese mind that success in every echelon of society is dependent on it. In its simplest form, it is social quid pro quo, a type of “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” mentality driven by the laws of reciprocity.
For example, it is partly because of 關係 that my parents offer my computer expertise to their friends when asked. Again it is because of 關係 that I can’t refuse to go to a dinner when their friends offer as gratitude for my services. In the end, I am forced to fix computers that I don’t want to fix in order to eat dinners that I don’t want to eat … it’s a very sick cycle.
The whole situation bothers me on several levels. I don’t mind at all helping friends with their computers, but in this case I am merely functioning as a useful tool. And on a deeper level, I don’t like the concept of reciprocity. In the ideal world, people should not keep tabs on their friend on the favors done and given. It defeats the very principle of love, which keeps no records of wrongs and does not prompt one to act under obligation.
It’s too bad that we don’t live in the ideal world. Even though I must agree that most of the time we are driven solely by self-interest, I do believe that it is possible to act altruistically without expecting a form of repayment. So from now on, if I help you with something (even if it’s fixing your computer), don’t feel that you’re obligated to pay me back in some way. If anything, do it out of genuine gratitude, not obligation.
Comments
If I could only find a nice way of telling them that I would rather not go to dinner with them, but make them feel like they paid me back already. Maybe I'll intentionally get a flat tire right in front of their house and then ask for their help ... hmm ... now that's a smart idea.
Now, with support raising, this whole idea of 关系 gets tricky. My mom is always saying, "How are you gonna pay all these people back??" And I say, "well, I can't!" But I do feel indebted to all my supporters...and wonder all the time how I can show them how much I truly appreciate them. Maybe thats the affect 关系 has had on me.
Interestingly, today I heard a sermon on 关系: Luke 16:1-9 (the parable of the shrewd manager). Apparently, Jesus is all for 关系. Check it out and tell me what you think!